Time Flies

So, my oracle deck has been in limbo for a while. I still need to work on those technical issues. That really sucks. I didn’t realize I would lose all of my steam so suddenly. Its especially bad because I really did have some steam going. But you know how life is, you get sidetracked and all of a sudden it’s been eight months.

Well, at least that’s how my life is.

But hey, I’ve had some cool stuff happen to me in the mean time and some not so cool stuff. You know, stuff happens.

I recently acquired some nice new things. I got myself a piece of artwork for my shrine space. It’s Ra as a Bennu Bird. It’s really lovely. I’m so glad I bought it.

While I was at the coast celebrating my anniversary, I ran across a sistrum. My sweet husband was kind enough to buy it for me, since I’ve been unable to pony up the 50some dollars for the one I thought I wanted. (I had some money I intended to buy it with, but it ended up going to car insurance instead.) So I finally got a sistrum.

As far as actual practice goes, I haven’t done much. In my defence… my space is a mess and I haven’t been doing a lot in general. So there’s that. I’ve done little lately. But I’m going to try to work on it.

It’s hard when you just have no oomph, no motivation, no energy. Being depressed is hard. I’m not trying to be all woe-is-me; it’s just that it’s hard and lame. It’s a thankless struggle to just exist.

Dang man. I just want to be a good devotee. I just feel like I don’t really know how best to do that. Should I just start dedicating all the self-care and stuff to my gods? Would the Netjeru appreciate this. I’m guessing They would if I dedicate it to the right deity. It’s just, like, how do you know who wants what?

I think I’m going to try to approach more gods. I just need to figure out how to introduce myself. I am only a human. And They are not.

Ugh. I can’t tell if I’m nervous or if I just need to eat.

Advertisements

Oracles and things

Well, my oracle deck is taking on a life of its own. I’m going to digitally design all of the cards. I’ve started on a couple but I seem to be having technical difficulties. I need to get the format right or else any other work I do is superfluous. Once I get that sorted out it should be rather smooth sailing and I should be able to sail through the design process. It will just be a matter of sitting down and doing it. I plan on having a largish oracle deck by the time I finish. Probably over a hundred cards but less than one hundred and thirty. One hundred and thirty is the max deck size I can have printed by the particular print service I found. Since I probably can’t afford much more than that, hell if I even can afford that much, that will have to be my limit. 

Besides that, I’ve taken an interest in Odin. I know, I know I have Netjeru to deal with already, but I really admire Odin. He seems… Charming. He is interesting. Odin has the gifts I’ve been looking to rediscover in myself. I think He could really help me grow. But at the same time, I don’t really see Him making thing easier for me. That doesn’t seem to be His style.

I know I have serious work to do on myself. I could be braver, much braver. I need to become stronger. Physically as well as mentally. I have a shitton of work to do. But I think I have some stuff down. Fidelity. I’m loyal as fuck. I don’t know about honor. That comes off as more prestige than personal ethics anymore. Honor just isn’t what it used to be. 

I guess what I’m saying is I hope I’m good enough. I get so insecure about that. As if I’m not even good enough to worship a God. Even though that’s what they need to exist (probably). So what’s wrong with me. Am I too soft? I do need to work on that, but really is that enough to keep me from worship. I may be over thinking this. 

Grr. This was supposed to be a post announcing my interest in Asatru. Maybe it still is. I just really do have everything colored by my depression. It just makes everything that much harder. And then the rewards seem lesser. It just really sucks. 

But anyway. I’m looking into worshipping Odin. And by looking into I mean rushing into, or at least trying to learn the technical aspects right away, so I can actually do something. I’m trying to keep things like dishware separate. I’m trying to keep pretty much everything separate. But it feels important to keep even the little details separate. 

Mostly because I need to separate them in my mind. I used to be Neo-Wiccan and I’m still trying to get out of the mindset that “all Gods are one God”. That’s something I new to relearn correctly. Not all Gods are the same by any means. Even very similar/supposedly the same deities are different. Isis and Aset for instance. Technically the same goddess with a “few” new attributes. But yet Isis seems to be different. She is a new Goddess; Partially that of Aset,  partially something else. 

Besides my more personal reason is that of respect. I feel like a historically informed approach to worship is more respectful than just throwing together traditions willy-nilly like. Again trying to get rid of new age, Neo-Wiccan concepts and thought patterns. That includes approaching deities without doing any research or swapping around rituals or deities with no regards to context whatsoever. 

Just more stuff to work on, I guess. But that’s okay. We are a work in progress. 

But since I started writing this I have done a bit. I’ve done a lot of research. Mostly on the basic ritual structure for asatru, a ritual called a blot or a faining. I’ve been trying to figure out how to go about it solo, as most blot instructions seem to be written for kindreds (small local groups). I don’t really know any asatruar, except maybe a couple mutuals on tumblr but they seem to be more of the lokean variety, so I’m not sure how much help they would be. Plus I have no idea how historically informed their practices are. Which is fine, of course, just not what I’m looking for right now. 

Maybe someday when I get over my specific issues with Neo-Wiccan thought patterns, and what-not, I can just practice. But for now it is important for me to do my best with regards to researching and honoring the Gods. 

So yeah… Odin. 

Yeah, if you come across this and you happen to have advice or whatever I’d love to hear it. Drop me a line. 

Hethert-Nut

I’m thinking of approaching other Netjeru I’m not familiar with. I’m thinking maybe Hethert-Nut. I’m just rather nervous. I’ve found Ra approachable enough. I’m just not too sure about the other Netjeru. My die told me they wouldn’t be easy to approach. So there’s that. I don’t know what level of formality to use. I don’t really know much about Her. I just know I need to connect with Someone more feminine. I really want to find a way to work on being okay with that aspect of myself. I also feel indebted to Her already for being the mother of my God. I also feel a kinship with the night sky. Maybe it’s all of my akhu shining down from Her belly. Maybe it’s something more, maybe it’s something less. I don’t really know yet. But I want to try to work past my anxiety and push my boundaries a little bit. 

Oracle pt. 2 plus book

Well, I’ll probably be working on my Oracle deck for sometime to come. I realized what a dick the index cards are to shuffle. It is a nightmare to shuffle. So, I’ll keep working on my prototype and start working on some digital versions so I can get them printed up for me. I found a site that does deck printing for a surprisingly decent price. Even better prices when you print more too. So that will keep me working on the oracle deck project for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been sort of lazy (kind of tired, actually) lately so I haven’t done much as of late. I  need to clean my shrine up a bit. It definitely needs to be dusted. I need to move a few things. I got a new oil/wax burner. Its a bit bigger than my other one. It’s nice and big and white. I also need to figure out where to stash my Palo Santo sticks too. (Which smells amazing, by the way.) 

I have been doing small things: going on the KO forums, posting small things on my blog, stuff like that. So basically low spoons activities. I should be trying to do a few other things. I need to do more research. I need to get ahold of some books on hieroglyphs. I desperately want a sistrum. (Like, very badly.) I have a specific one I want. I don’t know when I’ll be able to buy any of that. 

I found out someone I know is putting together a book on Ra and I’d really like to contribute.  I already have one hymn I will try to contribute. I’d like to work on more writings to contribute. So that may be something I do. I’ve got to double check the submission date and make sure I can actually do so. 

update: oracle deck

So, I’ve been doing better since my last post. I haven’t done anything really formal but I have been giving offerings and praying. Prayer is still hard for me. I still have that atheist mindset. Its still hard for me to believe. But the Netjeru have shown me signs when I asked. Even repeated such actions when I asked them to do so. So, yeah. No ambiguity there. 

I have been working though. I made an oracle deck. Almost finished. Just need a symbol (or the hieroglyphs) for the Eye of Ra. So once I get that card finished, the deck will be finished too (at least for now.)

I’ve posted pictures on my tumblr and on my other blog, ideartion. So I won’t be posting pictures on here just yet. I will probably do so when I decide to do some readings with the deck. You know, to make sure it functions properly. 

I’ll probably be posting on here a lot more often. I’m mainly on mobile and the mobile site doesn’t function well. However, the app functions much, much better. And it is, in fact, in the app that I’m writing this today. Much better functionality. 

So… I decided to post an update. 

Out of whack

Ugh, I’m a terrible devotee. I haven’t done anything since Wep Ronpet. I mean anything. Not so much as a glass of water.

But I do have my reasons. Basically, my family and I have had to adjust to a monumental change in schedule. We went from having no schedule to having a rather busy one. And this change occurred overnight, there was no easing into it. Just wham! new schedule.

So I’ve been dealing with that. It’s quite a change. Add to this that we also got a new member of the house. (My husband finally got to move in! Yay!) And it’s been downright chaotic over here.

So. I haven’t done anything beyond some light reading.  So… I’m a bad devotee. But I don’t think the Netjeru hold it against me. I don’t think They would do that. I’m sure the Netjeru are aware of our fleshy prison and all the caveats that go with it.

You may be wondering why I’m bothering to post if I haven’t been doing anything. Well, so am I. I guess I feel the need to do something. This is at the least good form, if not actually therapeutic. I’ve been trying to focus on too many things at once, I think.

Be a good wife. Be a good devotee. Do what you’re told. Its all very tiring and rather stressful. Admittedly, my anxiety has gone down in general. Mostly due to increased physical contact with my husband and a better paying job for him. But I’m still tired and I’m still stressed out. Now we have to try to save money. Which is hard to begin with, but we are still playing catch up too. Because we had to put so much off before due to lack of finances.

I feel like I’m telling my life’s story. But really, it all does affect my practice. I don’t know what to do with myself most days. I think I need to devote more time to research. I’m going to try to do that. I’ll let you know how it goes.